Kits Nisha

The Journey towards Happiness :)

2012-01-20T10:55:00.000+08:00

They say :

"The most destitute person on earth is one without a smile"

-Author Unknown-

I say :

"The most destitute person on earth is one who has a smile but prefers not to"

-Keerthi-

I realized that the past year has been full of unnecessary and unwanted garbage. And I realized I wasn't me anymore. I hardly laughed, (only in the presence of certain people, who were capable of making me laugh at all) and even when I did, there was this huge cavity thawing me out from the inside. What was I looking for? Why was I going through my life, day after day, hoping, wishing and just waiting for something to happen?

And by something, I literally mean Something. It could have been anything for that matter. Was I depressed? Naw, I couldn't have been. I'm the bubbliest girl I've ever known. Blowing my own horn, yeah, I know, but sometimes, you kinda miss yourself for who you've been.

And so, I decided ( Even though I'm probably 20 days late in saying so) that my New Year's Resolution would be to make my journey closer towards happiness. Even in the minutest way possible. Even if that happiness revolves around stealing a hacks candy from your nephew's pocket when he's not looking :) My steps towards happiness, would be my diary, my guideline, my comfort in the way I seek for happiness. Even though it's the fleeting, flexible stretchable thing you can't see, can't hold, can't touch. And this is the girl's scout guideline towards being happy.

Journey Towards Happiness 1 :

Plan a spontaneous outing with the first person you see in your home.

(Charity starts at home, so does happiness). Even if it's your dog. (In my case, it was my nephew.). Go out, have fun. Do crazy things you never thought you'd do. Like eat two ice-creams at one go, and have such a huge sugar rush that you're laughing all the time. Suggest a visit to the neighbourhood silver shop. Make your nephew get his ears pierced, and his girlfriend get her belly pierced. When it's your turn, tell him "Nah, I don't think I'll be piercing today". Then....RUN!! Get temporary tattoos and stick it in unknown places. Just for the fun of it :)

That's exactly what I did yesterday night. And to my disbelief, I actually had fun. I had two cups of Baskin's N Robbins, and I even stole some of my nephew's portion. And it wasn't the ice-cream eating that was so darn fun. It was the fighting for territory control over the ice-cream that made the whole event fun.

I love my family <3

Everything Happens for a reason

2012-01-10T16:43:00.000+08:00

Quoting Simple Plan " How could this happen to me, I made my mistakes, got nowhere to run, The night goes on as I’m fading away, I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream"

Inspired by that, due to my long absence from my personal space, here's one :

I've made my mistakes time and time again,

The essence of which the scars still remain,

Not all you see before you is crystal clear,

It takes time for people to shake off those layers,

Life starts to pass and before you can blink,

Moments fade away and then you start to think,

Where did I go wrong, what made the pieces fall apart,

Why did all the things I've said and done pierce me through the heart,

And then comes the answer, experience as a teacher,

To guide you through the journey of life without letting you wither,

So Imma take a lesson and move on through the thorns and the pain,

And let my heart beat, throb and start all over again :)

Life gives you heartbreaks, but it's your job to show life that it can be beaten.

"விதியை மதியாள் வெல்லலாம். அந்த விதியை நீ மதியாள் வெள்ளுவாய் என்று உன் விதி என்றாள், உன் மதியாள் நீ விதியை வெள்ளுவாய். "

:) Adios. The Queen Is Back :)

Vanavil Super Star 2011 :)

2011-08-28T12:33:00.001+08:00

Hey hey :)

My brother has a chance to be in the finals of Astro Vanavil's Super Star 2011 :) All he needs is to be in the highest voted list. And YOU can make a difference :)

Just type VS5 SIVA and send it to 32777 = This gives him 5 votes

Just type VS10 SIVA and send it to 32777 = This gives him 10 votes

He is a talented young boy and to reach the finals at such a young age is a gift from God. He is the youngest contestant of the competition, and if you guys put your heart to it, you can help him make his dream come true :)

Thank you in advance for your support :)

START VOTING NOW!!

Who am I ?

2011-08-23T14:21:00.004+08:00

I am not who I am anymore. Actually, let me rephrase that. I am not who I thought I was anymore. That person has been long gone, dead, I presume and all that’s left inside of me is the emptiness. The large gaping hole that has deepened each and every time something I think I can deal with ends up leaving a large irreversible mess in my life. And these occurrences usually cost me more than my smile, my patience, my positive attributes, my opinions and what not. It has cost me the bonds which I value most in life. Family, friends.

I’ve been distant, and the thing is, I never really realized I have been that distant. I’m a lot less happier, but at the same time, I don’t know what I want to do with my life at this point. I’m content with just NOT doing anything. And that is the part which freaks me out the most, because I am not a person who is just content with doing nothing in her life. It freaks me out because I have to keep telling myself that I am not this person, like I’m trying to convince myself just like a school girl trying to convince someone to buy her girl scout cookies.

I am freaked out because, the truth is, if I am that person, the one who is content with doing nothing at all whatsoever with my life, then I am in denial now. Aren’t I? Then what was the whole point of striving so hard for something I supposedly wanted? How do I tell myself and convince myself that I should not be simply content with not doing anything and going with the flow? How do I fill the emptiness that’s killing me on a daily basis without me even realizing that it is? I thought it was a crisis, but what happens when the crisis permeates your everyday life and thoughts. When you become conscious of how you act with people, how you think about people, and what everything means to you.I wake up every morning, not knowing how my emotions are going to take control of me. I don’t know if I’m going to be happy in the next few minutes or sad in the next few hours. God, at this point, I could burst out in tears any second. I cried watching Harry Potter, the final edition. Not because the movie was sad or anything,(I’ve read the book a dozen times so there’s really no element of surprise).

I cried because I have no idea how on earth I came out of that fantasy world that meant so much to me. I cried because I know I can’t go back to just burying my head in books anymore and just forgetting the world, because it’s called growing up. But growing up comes with a lot of change and I suck at adapting to change. I don't know how to express just how big yet insignificant this is. I'm tired. Too tired with everything. Maybe I’m done fighting or bulldozing my way through everything in my life. I am dead on the inside. It happened a long time ago. The problem with such emptiness is, how does anyone go on.

Mending

2011-07-27T13:00:00.000+08:00

Today is a Wednesday. Bit half end from the start of the week but, just going with he flow.

At times, you feel like you are in procrastination mode, but then again, it's all you. It's all about how you deal with the situations and how you react to your own situations around you. Sometimes it's mendable, sometimes its not and when it's not, you're gonna have to find the tough way out.

However you look at life from the far end, it's just going to be a standstill for your future.

Make decisions today based on the decisions you feel like wanting to make tomorrow :)

2011-07-01T23:18:00.001+08:00

Who are we to judge the higher truth, when we ourselves can't handle it ?
-Miss Sathia (LoveHeals) :)

Note : You know I just have to do it right :P

Everything happens for a reason. At least that's what I've been told whilst I was growing up. And I'm willing to bet that 99.99 percent of you who's reading this, have heard that cliched line over and over, most probably when you were droning and wallowing in self-pity about something that has literally caused you to remain indignant. But then you ask yourself, is there really a reason for things that take place in your life ? A higher purpose ? A missing piece to the puzzle ? How do you handle the things that happen to you with poise and dignity?

Basically, that particular line " Everything happens for a reason" is a way of pacifying ourselves in times where you know that even the best psychologist will not be able to talk you out of the self-loathing and pity you have for yourself. But what if everything does happen for a reason? What if everything that takes place in your life, whether for better or for worse, is pre-planned and set to fall into place at all the exact times of your life in order for you to learn something, to heal, to emotionally transform and to experience the goodness of all that is around you?

A lot of us can't handle the truth and ingenuous facts that are laid out in front of us simply because we are human. You may think that I've been criticizing humans a lot recently but the truth is I'm just being plain straightforward. Like I said. We can't handle the truth most of the time. We prefer fabricating the truth to fit our perception, our liking and our personal inclination towards the things that matter to us the most. In other words, we see what we want to see and we hear what we want to hear. And most of us, excluding the atheists, blame the Higher Force for all of the things that go wrong in our lives. But what if there is something better waiting for us at the end of the line ?

My epiphany fit faith into the equation, because I've been questioning faith my whole life and am yet to get a sign telling me, faith is inside you and even if that sign comes, I would probably still question faith thinking that it's just a voice inside my head playing scrabble with my brains. Because in truth, I tend to believe in what I want to believe in. I see truth in what I want to see truth in. So yes, I fit faith into the equation when I question myself, "How do I make decisions today, without knowing what may or may not happen tomorrow. Isn't it a risk?".

There was this one quote I read, from somewhere, I can't remember where, but it sounded like this. "Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. But tell him there is wet paint on a bench and he will have to touch it just to be sure." You see? We believe the most outrageous things on earth, but simple facts, like wet paint, we find it hard to digest. To the question I asked previously, about making decisions? Yes. It is a risk. It's a risk I'm willing to take, because, FAITH is knowing you will be taught to fly, when you are teetering at the edge. I am teetering at the edge, but now, I know I'll be given wings to fly.

Back to my epiphany. We know we can't handle the truth. So who are we to judge the HIGHER TRUTH, of the occurrences in our lives, when we ourselves can't handle it? Shouldn't we just leave things be ? Why put our nose into something we can't handle? Isn't it easier to just surrender and let things take place? Force sets things into motion. That's the fundamental rule of physics. Force yourself to surrender, and things might turn out your way after all.

Simple Life :)

2011-06-28T21:07:00.001+08:00

You can't control the things that happen to you but you can control how you react to them :) Sounds like a very cliched quote right ?

I know. Tell me about it. I've been so caught up with all that's going on around me focusing mostly on the negative, that I have forgotten how to be positive, think positive and act positive. And I hate that side of me. But, I met a certain someone today, and he would prefer to be known simply as Dr.G ( PhD in Human Philosophy) :)

And, he has agreed to give me a quote for living life, in a simple manner :) And I, in turn am going to upload his quotes, whenever he decides to grace my phone with his philosophical grace and presence :)

Quote 1 :

Date : 28 JUNE 2011
Time : Confidential
Circumstances under which the message was received : Hehe. I was eating Roti Bakar with Nescafe Tarik :p Mmmmmmmm. Yummy :)

Basically, I was moping about something which I really wanted, and took a toll on me for the worse. And Dr.G, being the intellectual genius that he is, gave me a saying :) And it made me feel a lot better.

Ready for it ? Here comesssss !!

A for Apple, B for Ball...That is life.

The inner meaning : A for apple, and B for ball, is the simplest thing you learn in the English Alphabet. Apply that simplicity to life, and life will be beautiful. Live life, simply :)

COURTESY OF DR.G :)

Personal Note to DR.G : Posted ady :) :) Awaiting more of your "wonderful" philosophy!!

Stay tuned, for more philosophical quotes from the one and only Dr.G, brought to you by me :)

I'm going nuts, seriously. Running out of stuff to blog about :)

Concrete

2011-06-23T13:11:00.002+08:00

How do you make concrete decisions today not knowing what's about to happen tommorrow?

How do you know for sure that the decision you make today is not going to affect what you want tommorrow, or ten years down the road for that matter.

Darn.

You want what you can't have

2011-05-31T14:28:00.006+08:00

We all want what we can’t have. That’s the blatant, irrefutable fact about life. No, let me rephrase that. That’s the patent fact about humans. It’s in our nature to thirst for, fight for something we can’t have because we want it, not because we need it. What we have is never enough as opposed to what we could have. Why is it never enough? Why is it never enough that we’ve had a good 20 years if right now life this second sucks? Why are words and intentions never enough, as much as you want them to be, if words and intentions don’t materialize into something? Why is it never enough that we have food to fill our stomachs and clothes to cover our bodies, as opposed to the starving children in Africa who have neither. Why is it that, we ache, crave and fight for what may or may not be significant even for us in the next few months? How do you justify that? Is it wrong to want? Is it a crime?

Reality is inexorable at this point, and there’s nothing I can do but hold my head down in the conviction stand and hear my own judgment. Ignore the fact that the whole first paragraph is filled with questions. I have more than those questions up there running through the back of my mind. It’s just that those questions may not be appropriate for public viewing. Back to the point. We want what we can’t have. Children in Africa want food and clothes because, apart from the fact that it’s a basic necessity, it’s something they can’t have, not easily at least, and that became their wanting. I used to, and still think that, ( and I believe I speak for must of us sorry human’s when I say this ) wanting is a crime. The verdict and punishment? The pain, agony and torment we go through trying to obtain the “want” and the numbness, depression and tears that follow when you do not obtain the “want”.

So why do we subject ourselves to so much of pain and torture. It’s a matter of simple understanding. “ You want it but you can’t have it “. So why want in the first place? Are we that dumb a species, to just head forth in the direction of the hurricane that will eventually cause us to become its casualty? Are we just made that way? Stupid enough to self-destruct and then build our lives back piece by piece. Why allow that to happen when we could easily avoid it, easily steer a safe cause, just live life the way it’s supposed to be lived. But where’s the handbook, the guideline on exactly how to stay safe and keep that thumping blood bank in the left cavity of your chest from being hurt. And this is an understatement. Words would never be able to express the extent of agony that thumping heart can feel. And then came my epiphany. We’re a condemned species. I bring God into this because deep down, I believe there is a higher force that is responsible for our existence. We’re condemned because we don’t have a specific guideline like all other living things on earth. They have it easy. Take animals for instance. They’re born, they feed, they excrete and there are only three possibilities that could happen to them. One, they get preyed on, two, they avoid getting preyed on and still eventually die of old age and three, they prey on other animals and still eventually die of old age if not struck by some catastrophe or natural disaster. They have it easy! Their feelings and emotions are limited to hunger, physical pain, and sexual feelings to reproduce.

But humans, we have a whirlpool of emotions, some which we don’t even need! Even if it’s just for a while. Even if it’s only passing. Even if it’s illusory. If being alive was the whole point of God’s manifestation, why weren’t we made to be alive in the form of trees or animals ? Why make us human? We’re only that much more fragile. Why give us so many options that it is just that much harder to choose from? Why can’t we all be stereotyped into a species, that just lives and dies? Why make us capable of achieving and at the sametime capable of failing just as much. Why make us fall, and then learn to stand up. For a higher purpose? To attain Moksha? Am I to understand that all of this is just one of God’s little sketches to prepare us for eternal liberation? And yet, despite asking myself all this, I still refuse to conform myself to the daily practice of praying, simply because I still don’t know where my faith lies.

Whether or not what takes place in my life is God’s doing or my own. If everything is based on the two words “Aham Brahmashmi”, which is literally translated as I am Brahman, I am the Creator, then am I my own God? So why pray ? Isn’t it enough to just believe in the existence of the Higher Force ? I used to think that staying away from praying, staying away from God was acceptable on my own terms, just because I felt that I did not want to hurt God with my hypocrisy and staggering faith. I didn’t pray because I thought God will be a casualty to my hurricane. That he couldn’t handle me as a person. And all this while, I was just another casualty to the Almighty’s Hurricane.

Survival

2011-01-23T15:29:00.002+08:00

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” –Charles Darwin.

The quote above, was from the man behind the secret of evolution of man itself. You’ve got to give him credit for it. The guy’s a genius. And it’s funny how quotes like this, which were quoted so long ago actually apply to the modern day world. I’m not talking about evolution physically, but psychologically. Change is inevitable. The only consistent thing that happens in a human’s life, is change, regardless of whether it is welcome or not. We can’t control change. We can’t control what happens to us on a daily basis. We can’t possibly foresee the changes that are about to take place, unless, of course you’re a person with psychic abilities. Well if you are. Then good for you. The rest of us, including myself, are normal human beings who have no idea how, or when, change takes place. We’re all susceptible to it.

At some point, everyone is going to change. Some call it growing up. I call it adapting. Which is what this whole post is about. Most of us are bad at accepting change. When I say most of us, I particularly mean myself. I’m resistant to change. I give it my all to keep change out of my life. I spend months, if not weeks trying to accept a simple blatant fact. And I realized, that’s not very healthy. If I kept on doing that, I’ve just limited my mental and physical barriers to what is and not what will be. I realized, that everyone experiences loads of changes in life. Educational, in and out of relationships, divorces, marriages, travel, death, life, new clothes, throwing out old ones, stacking memories to the back of the mind, relishing old memories, making new ones and the list goes on. All of those is change. And to survive, we have to adapt to it. Think of it as a game. That’s how I’m dealing with it on a daily basis. I thought I could never go another day, when I had my first heart break, when I first failed the most important paper of my life, when people I love walked out on me, when everything just seems like a vacuum. And then I started adapting. I started pushing away feelings into this numb void. A void that I never opened up, if I could help it.

Sooner or later, my mind began to accept what my heart couldn’t. And I moved on. And so I survived. You must be thinking, what is she talking about. We’re all surviving. We’re all alive. That’s where you could probably be wrong. We’re all alive, in the literal sense that we have oxygen to keep breathing and a heart that pumps. But I used to die, and suffocate internally on a daily basis. I used to welcome pain to succumb me whenever I’m at my weakest point. Then I fought back. When I learnt to accept. I adapted. I underwent change to adapt myself to the situations around me, the ones I couldn’t accept. Then I stopped dying. I stopped suffocating. I started to breathe. I started to live. I started to survive.

Boredom

2010-12-15T15:04:00.000+08:00

List of things I was supposed to do today :

1. Finish writing a chapter of the book I'm currently writing.
2. Enjoy writing that chapter solely because of the bliss, and serenity writing gives me.
3. Shop for Christmas presents to exchange with family during Christmas dinner parties.
4. Confirm, said dinner party.
5. Stop eating fat-full foods.
6. Start eating meat.
7. Sleep after being medicated.
8. Just relax.

What I did :

1. Eat Nestle Cornflakes for breakfast.
2. Follow the sis-in-law to the market.
3. Sleep for a whole 8 hours.
4. Freaking out over a whole load of things which aren't suitable for public viewing.

Good Bye!

Perspective

2010-12-06T13:51:00.000+08:00

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” (Friedrich Nietzsche).

That’s what perspective is all about. It relies on an individual’s way of looking at something and that’s why you call it perspective. Because it is solely original and based on the mentality and maturity of that particular individual, regardless of whether it is wrong or right. There can be no wrong or right when it comes to perspective, because it isn’t a written law. It is the freedom to think and not act. I repeat. It is the freedom to think. No one can control your thoughts, your emotions, the way you feel, because that is all you. You manage that all on your own. Even though, certain emotions are provoked, it still is all you. You can’t control a situation, but you can control how you react to it. And so, different perspectives, different individual, different ways of life, different choices, different situation but, same concept. Freedom of thought.

Now that I’ve given you a gist on what it’s about, let me tell you how it played a role in my life, over the past few days. I’m a person who takes things for granted. I never found a need, a reason for appreciation because I believed that everything I had, everything that happened to me, I deserved it. And when I say I deserve it, I literally mean it both ways. Good and bad. If I were to hit the jackpot and win me a million dollars, I deserve it. If a meteor were to strike me and cause me to be paralyzed, I’d still say I deserve it. I may be unappreciative, but I’m certainly no hypocrite. For me, I never appreciated the gift of life, because in my perspective, I must have done something good in my previous births (yes, on the contrary I do believe in the concept of previous births), to have been born physically perfect as opposed to people who are crippled or defective in some way or another. To top it off, I have a loving family, and they’ve never let me down yet. But I’ve never really appreciated that fact. And hence, I grew to become cold to the word “appreciation”. This was me, up until I tore my cornea. Yes, you read me right. I tore my cornea. My eye had to be sealed for a week, the pain was excruciating, and every night, I would wish that I could just black out with sleeping pills so that I don’t have to focus on the pain. I walked around with a pirate-like patch on my right eye, my balance and hand-eye coordination were out, and I thought to myself, “Even in the presence of both eyes, I’m capable of tripping over my own foot and knocking over stuff, what’s going to happen now?”.

True to my fear, I did trip. A whole lot. My peripheral vision was blocked totally from the right end and even if someone stood beside me with a knife, I wouldn’t have known. That’s when I started looking at life in a whole new perspective. Being a non-appreciative, always on the go person, I have never stopped to look and appreciate all the goodness around me. And walking around with one eye, slowed me down. Since I was just looking with one eye, I had to look left and right and concentrate on what I’m looking at, take in everything and then co-ordinate myself. And I realized, I noticed a lot more things than when I had both eyes. I noticed that the steps to my University were made of granite and not cement. I noticed that there were bougainvillea bushed which I was so completely oblivious to. I began to notice things more clearly because I was concentrating on focusing with the one eye a lot. And I’m starting to appreciate the gift of eyesight more. Without one eye, I can hardly savour the food I eat.

Munching gave me a migraine and colours too bright were a blur. I didn’t wear pink the whole week because it hurt my eyes. I couldn’t stand in a room with lights because they hurt too. And then I wondered, how the blind lead their lives. How people who’ve lost an eye lead their lives. Tearing my cornea was probably a way nature took to teach me a new perspective in life. Appreciation. And I’m glad I learnt it. My journey to discovering life may not be complete. But I’m glad I took the first step.

Goal

2010-11-24T09:27:00.001+08:00

Wednesday.

24th November 2010.

Goal for today = Smile. So people don't think I'm undergoing depression again.

Status since 6.35am : Neutral.

Day 8

2010-11-09T15:20:00.001+08:00

Day 8.

Another day without you.

And all I have to hold on to are your memories. And even those, seem to be fading away.

Dead...

2010-11-08T14:22:00.000+08:00

No. The blog is not dead.

I'm Back.

I just need time to readjust my sanity.

Too much to do. So little time.

Okay.

I'm gonna leave you peeps starving for information. Stay tuned.

God I sound so cheesy..

Screw it.

Layers

2010-08-28T15:56:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered what happened to the person you knew 10 years ago and realized how much they've changed ? How much time has changed both of you ? Or have you ever wondered what happened to the "old you" as opposed to the "new you", where in case point the old you used to be so much more happier, so much more optimistic, so much more daring? And the new you, for that matter is completely on the other end of the world, and you realize, that somehow, somewhere along life's path, you've even lost track of who you are.

There is a fine line between who you are and who you want to be. We all want to be the person everyone else is comfortable with, the life and soul of the party. But the question is, are WE comfortable with who we might or might not have become ? Technically, all of us are practically buried within ourselves. By layers. Yes, you read me right. Layers. Layers of hurt, frustration, depression, anger, boredom and defense. We're so layered by everything we do that we're buried underneath those layers. Think about it, not only are we layered by our emotions, we're also layering each and everything that we do. When was the last time you concentrated on the one thing you're doing instead of doing two things at the same time ?

"The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die within us while we still live"

By living amidst all the layers we have buried ourselves under, we're only making it harder for "us" to find ourselves. You find yourself wallowing in resentment and self-pity and lashing out when you don't even know what got you pissed off in the first place. We hang on to all the layers we have built under our defense and shut ourselves off completely from getting hurt. There's the catch. Sure, you can shut yourself out from the cold, cruel world and salvage what's left of your petty emotions and keep from getting hurt. But if you keep out the dark, you're also keeping out the light. You can't have one without the other. That's balancing. Enjoy the happiness, that flows into your life, without suspicion. Enjoy letting people keep you happy, compliment you without suspicion. See things the way they are. Don't analyze.

I realized how layered I have become when I looked back and saw how much the world had changed, to my view, that is. And that's when I remembered, that the world is just your mirror. When we define someone, judge someone, in truth, we're only defining and judging ourselves.

Falling out

2010-08-02T11:10:00.000+08:00

I'm undergoing a mid-life crisis. No really. I am.

Not to mention I'm hardly 19 and I'm going through a mid-life crisis. What do I call my REAL mid-life crisis then? Old age crisis? Oh gosh. I need theraphy. I really do.

Reactions

2010-07-19T12:51:00.000+08:00

Reactions.

I've just realized that everyone one of us, yes, each and everyone of us, has given a reaction, whether spontaneous or not to something that has happened, or could be happening at this very moment. Has anyone ever stopped to think, why we even resort to giving a reaction? Let's take anger as an example. Anger can work both ways. It can be referred to as both a feeling and a reaction separately. Why is anger the first reaction we resort to when we hear something we don't like or feel intimidated by?

Is it because that reaction was particularly necessary at that moment? Was that reaction a matter of importance? Or was it because we are just trying to defend ourselves ? Giving back a laser retort that will wound the so-called enemy for the moment. Most of our reactions, particularly anger are just bubbled up confused emotions. Emotions that arise to this voice in your brain that says, "Defend yourself you moron, say something!

I think it might be safe to say that almost all of us let out words without wondering or worrying about the consequences of the action for that moment until a little later, when the anger has already subsided. When I was younger, I always had a retort for something that was directed at me. Always. And it wasn't up till recently that I realized that the spur of the moment retorts were normally my ways of defending myself. And then I got to thinking. Why am I even defending myself in the first place? These are people. They're not aliens, they probably have the same frequencies that are going on in my head as well. They probably have had just as much of a bad day as I have had, maybe even worse. They're trying to defend themselves as well and if everyone keeps defending, when is the time for opening up?

And I told myself, ignore the retorts, ignore the snide remarks, ignore anything that you don't like and live in your own fantasy world. I was wrong. That didn't help. Because I wasn't listening. I wasn't listening hard enough to know what was being thrown at me because I was still afraid I might hear something that will hurt me. There is a fine line between hearing and listening. Hearing is like the sound of the cars passing by. You know it's there, but you don't realize it until you have it pointed out to you. It's this involuntary reaction. Listening, on the other hand is a voluntary reaction. And had I listened carefully, I would have known a lot sooner that things are not always as bad as they seem.

I realized that sometimes, people just have had a lot to take in and that maybe I was the final blow when they've reached that threshold of patience. And then, I started feeling numb.

My quote for the day :

( Mind you, this is original. It's got my name written all over it =) )

" Sometimes, the best way to handle things that go out of your hand is to take one good look at the Ferero Roche in your hand and say, " You are the best thing that's happened to me today." And then you eat him. "

Inspiration

2010-06-26T14:43:00.001+08:00

Something I wrote today, just thought I'd post it the original way so as to safeguard the originality. I might have second thoughts about posting this if I waited too long :)

It creeps slowly,unbelievable
Gently weaving threads of trust,
Lines so thin , unnoticeable,
Amongst the lines of frust.

Warms the heart,
Makes you want more,
And when the time comes to part,
It's time to head ashore.

Against these waters of fury,
Amongst the words of passion,
Arrives the essence of worry,
And thus set's things in motion.

For love, they say is magic,
It give you hope beyond hope,
I say love can be tragic,
For hope can hand me no rope.

To pull myself up,
When I'm on the ground,
Lower than my knees, closeup,
Relishing the pain that a great some have found.

And yet I head for it's solace,
For the heart can never learn,
And rushes for the deathly embrace,
Takes a plunge, and again, the waters churn.

Involuntary

2010-06-26T14:21:00.000+08:00

I refuse to be responsible in trying to mend something which YOU broke.

In case point, *something* refers to the HEART. I got this off Grey's Anatomy and honestly it made so much of sense to me.

Just when you're trying to mend everything that's wrong. You get a feeling.

Numbness.

That feeling you get when you don't know what to feel.

Wait. Lemme rephrase that.

It's the feeling you get when you're content with NOT feeling anything. I wonder who came up with the word NUMB. Anyhow, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Loads has being going on and sometimes you just feel you have had enough. Just because I choose not to react to something it doesn't mean I actually do not care. I do care, I just don't care enough to react. Or I probably think it's just a waste of my time to react to something so stupid.

A reaction will only provoke a series of reactions and my life is wonderful enough without the consequences of every reaction.

I feel numb. I feel incapacitated. If a year ago, a little pebble would have been enough to send me to the boiling point, now, even boulders leave me calm. Rocks as big as the friggin' *i don't know how big* just leave me with even more to ponder about. I don't have laser retorts to everything that's being shot at me.

That's when I realized, that I'm just probably going through this Numb phase. The phase where I choose to just sit back, relax and watch everything that's going on around me and everything that's happening without reacting to it. It feels much more calmer.

When I say calm, I'm actually comparing myself to the *ME* a year ago. I don't think I'm very happy these days. I mean. I am happy but just not as happy as I used to be. I find myself laughing whilst I'm in the company of my friends and family but other than that, I feel quite alone.

I used to be very content with being by myself but now I find myself wiling my time away watching TV or Facebooking. I succumb myself to things that don't require me to think much. If i think too much, I end up crying myself to sleep. I'm holding back on the tears that can't fall and I'm holding on to a heart that refuses to break so that I can mend it back again.

Cheerios.

Exams in 17 days.

Countdown.

Stress

2010-06-18T15:20:00.000+08:00

Omg.

I have been indulging in so much of food lately I think I'm going to end up being this pumpkin by the end of the month...Although it's just probably all the stress that's been getting me all perked up :(

Exams.

More exams.

And Badabing, Finals in friggin 3 weeks :)

Hallelujah.

Faith

2010-06-10T19:45:00.005+08:00

F A I T H.

Kind of a big word. At least to me it is.

It's definition according to Wikipedia : Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness or a person, concept or thing.

Well..that's what the definition is. But what does it really mean? To each and every one of us, individually. I used to ask myself, "If I can't see it, if I can't touch it, if I can't hear it or anything else that needs the use of my five senses, then it isn't real".
I'm not saying I'm wrong. I'm not saying I'm right either. This is just another one of those "stuck-in-the-middle" moments. I can't stand firm and say, there is no faith, because I can't see it and I can't touch it nor can I hear it.

You know why?

Because I SEE it, in others, and I envy them, with the bottom of my heart. I envy them with every fibre of my being, for being able to have something which I ~~can't~~ don't have. I envy them, for being able to trust so wholely, so naively in something which may or may not exist. I am a God-Fearing person. I am. I believe in God. I believe in the God who created us. I just don't believe in God taking time to listen and to answer each and every one of our littlest prayers. This is me. And there's this whole other bunch of people, who dedicate their lives, their souls, their everything for GOD. And I envy them. I really do.

People who hold their crosses to their hearts at night saying their prayers and having peace overwhelm them in their sleep, I envy them.

People who walk on burning coals, not worrying about whether or not their foot will scald, and emerging unscathed. Oh hell, I envy them. What's the secret ? What am I missing? What am I missing that everyone else knows that I don't?

These are probably the most stupid questions anyone's ever asked and I'm not proud to ask it.

"How do you have faith? Where does it come from? Is it the simple belief that brings faith into the heart? Is it easy to have? Will I lose it if I have it?"

" Faith for good reason arises out of the mystery that underlies the very structure and nature of reality, a mystery that in its entirety will never be entirely demystified despite what those who have placed reason on their altar might like us to believe. The mystery of life that gives rise to faith as a supra-rational means of unlocking life's mystery—one that reason does not hold the key to—suggests that faith is fundamentally rational in that it is a logical response to the mysterious." -Wikipedia-

Does it make any sense to you? I'm just crapping. I know.

Ugh. I hate it when I get into these kinds of answerless modes. It keeps me awake and I hate it.

And another one.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Matthew 17:20

I feel so messed up.

And yet, I think I do sorta understand what it's all about.

I climbed God-Knows-How-Tall up the rock climbing thing, just having FAITH that I'll reach the top. And I did.

At the start of it. I was all smiles but hell, I was as nervous as a dingbat. :)

I made my way up eventually. I didn't give up. Faith or belief. I'll never know.

I looked down. Scared. Yet, Unwilling to give up.

See how tall that FRIGGIN thing is!!

That yellow box is a closeup of me reaching the top :) hehehe..

I landed like this by the way. Dangling at the edge of life :)

And here are the darlings that made it possible. Loves!!

P/S : I'm the utmost left :) That's Kesher in the middle. Kalai at the utmost right :) Hearts!

Miracles happen. I think my karma will allow me an ounce of faith after all.

Famished!

2010-05-23T18:43:00.000+08:00

Quoting Hellen Keller :

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, but are felt by the heart "

At some point, you're gonna have to admit and confess to inexorable reality that it's sorta true, from different perspects. I say this because I attended a family gathering today, with all my immediate family members. The joy of just being in the same room with them was enough to light up my day.

There we were, sitting in my uncle's "little cabin" outside his house, in a circle, just reminiscing the old days. Of course, it was a lil' tiring, having had to wake up early on a Sunday morning (6.00am), but it was worth it.

Now back to that statement.

This can relate to so many different things in the world, even people.

Love is one such thing. Love cannot be seen nor touched, but it can be felt in the heart. People can see that one is attracted to another, but it can sometimes be difficult to truly see love for what it is. Love is an emotion you can only feel. Your heart melts and pounds at the same time at the sight of the one you love. It is so difficult to explain but we can feel it, our hearts can feel it. It is only our heart that truly understands how we love, who we love and why.

Inner Peace is another thing. You cannot see a person’s inner peace, nor can you touch it. Though, if you are one of those lucky people who have inner peace within themselves, you can feel it and you can feel it in the heart. It is your heart that feels at peace.

In relation to people, well, sometimes you meet a person and it is not the appearance that you love, but it is the person within. And the person within is one you cannot touch nor see. Though you can feel in your heart, the person within, you can sense them. Your heart feels it, which is why then we can become close to such a person. The heart falls for that person within.

And honestly, WTH? I'm getting so philosophical..

Haha...

Must be the immense workload I have in store. Anatomy assignments 4, 5 & 6 due tommorrow. I've barely even started.

I'm beginning to wonder if I have a life anymore!!

Dang it.

Running around in diapers was so much more fun.

To look or not to look

2010-05-17T11:57:00.004+08:00

Sometimes in life, there's always that point where you turn back and analyze every moment, every feeling, every emotion you've ever had, and 90 % of the time, your reaction would probably have been "God, how could I have been so stupid?".

I know that's how I feel. I might have been a hypocrite when someone asks me this question, "Do you ever regret anything that has happened in your life?" or if the person asks me "If you could go back in time and change one thing in your life, what would it be?" Yes, I was a hypocrite. Because this was my answer for both those question.

Nothing. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't want to change anything. Because everything happens for a reason and that's what I believe in. If those things didn't happen, I wouldn't be as tough, as strong-willed, as hard-shelled and stubborn as I am today. If those things didn't happen, I probably wouldn't have learned anything about what life had to offer me. I'm happy with my life as it is right now, and I would NEVER go back and try to change anything. God has a plan for me and I intend to follow that.

There you have it. The hypocritical side of me.

No doubt it's the absolute truth of what I SHOULD feel, it's far from how I feel. Those flowery words just come out of the oral cavity, just so I can fabricate the regrets in my life and act as though, everything is perfect, when in truth, nothing is.

And that is the lesson right there. The imperfections are past what the eye can see and what the heart can feel. The imperfections are what makes each and every one of us unique. If everyone was perfect, there wouldn't be a difference between us. How else are we going to define ourselves. For instance, I refer to my friend as the "gay buddy". (Suvin, I am so very sorry I have to embarrass you this way, but I can't think of any other examples). If he weren't gay, I would probably just refer to him as another one of my other guy friends. Which would be perfectly normal.

And just because that whole You-shouldn't-regret-anything-that-happens-because-it-happens-for-a-reason is true, it doesn't mean that you can program yourself to feel the exact thing you're supposed to feel. Because, quoting me :

Feelings are the only essence of truth left in this world shrouded with deceit and lies. Feelings are the only thing that won't lie to you. You know why? Because you can tell yourself NOT to cry when you feel like crying. That is you taking control.

But have you wondered how spontaneous that reaction is? That you had to feel like crying first, before you can take control of yourself and say "stop crying" ? That it was a reflex action, that had no thought beforehand? No instigation? Nothing? It requires no control. It's pure and whatever you feel is the most profound amount of honesty you will EVER find in this world. That is the only thing that WON'T lie to you. That you can really rely on. But you know what's the problem here? Most of us dismiss those feelings, and replace it, manipulate it with thoughts of our own, and bring it forward as a reaction to something that has happened.

We never really analyze ourselves and find out exactly what we're feeling, because before it can settle in, we've already gone and told ourselves otherwise. We never really let the feeling sit there and wedge itself between our slides of reality for fear of God-Knows-What. The REAL feeling is what you feel BEFORE you tell yourself things. The point of reality where you just shut your mind up and listen.

And right now, I don't know If i'm really talking about feelings or hypocrisy or regret, but, If I could EVER go back in time, I would change this.

1. I'd change the fact that I was always too over-confident, stuck up and obnoxious. I'd probably go back in time and apologize to those I've ever hurt, intentionally, unintentionally...does it really matter?

2. I'd go back and weedle my way out of relationships that meant nothing to me, that I was in just for the sake of it. To save both myself and the other person the regret.

3. I'd go back and make the right decisions, the right choices and I would listen when someone says, " I was at your age too, and that was the same mistake I did, " instead of thinking, "This is a new era. You are so narrow-minded".

4. I probably wouldn't have coupled up with my best friend's brother and wrecked our friendship. She was more than everything to me, and right now, I'm not even a part of her memory. She probably hates my guts more than anything and all I ever want is to just tell her how much I miss her, and how much my guinea pig misses his god mom.

5. I probably would've taken better care of my health, and listened when people told me that I wouldn't be lucky forever or I wouldn't be young forever.

6. I would change the fact that I spent half my life wallowing in regret and self-pity.

7. I would have told my best friend how much he meant to me, before he committed suicide. R.I.P Matthew.

8. I would have cherished a friendship that meant more to me than anything, and me taking a step forward and saying "I love you", was the worst thing to do. I should have waited it out. It's a little too late now.

9. I would have saved myself all this regret now.

And then again, if those things hadn't happened,

1. I wouldn't be as tough emotionally as I am now,

2. I wouldn't have actually seen life for what it is. I would've still be living in my fairytale fantasy where everything is so perfect.

3. I would be so trusting, so naive and would have probably gotten my arse whooped God-knows-how-many-times.

4. I wouldn't have faith in God as much as I do know.

5. I would have never known how valuable time is.

So for now, I'm not going to try and do everything perfectly. I'm going to try and do everything I do in a way that I won't regret later on.

P/S : Really long post, to make up for all the little short ones.

Cheers !

Spontaneously combusting

2010-05-15T17:47:00.000+08:00

I swear, exams are sucking the life outta me.

That's all I do these days. Study, study, eat while studying, talk on the phone will studying, and then study some more. LIke WTH??

Whatever happened to healthy living?

And as for the KTM system in Malaysia, *sigh* The train is NEVER, i repeat NEVER on time.
This is like the most, pathetic post by far.

Forgive me, I will be back with vengeance.

Toodles.

Mojo Jojo

2010-04-17T18:33:00.000+08:00

Six degrees of separation..

Technically, that theory states that : refers to the idea that everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made to connect any two people in six steps or less.

I dunnoe where I had the urge to do this, but something about this theory makes me feel like the world is so small. One day you meet a friend and another friends name consequently comes up in the conversation and you go like, "you know him/her too?"

Dang it.

Anyways, that's not particularly what I wanted to blog about. There's been something bugging my mind lately and well, here I am, blogging it out.

You know how it feels like to have that gap between you and that someone, and you really really want that gap to close but there's just so many things that have come in between and even if you do get a fresh start, you couldn't possibly know WHERE to start??

Been feeling a lot of that lately..

And thats the end of this post.

Short, I know. But I need my blogging mojo back =(

Falling Hard on your butt =)

2010-03-24T20:53:00.001+08:00

Someone once told me (I just have a lot of someone's in my life okay, live with it), that growing up was easy, but being grown up was the hard part.

It's funny how you have to fall hard through the years, and learn it the hard way.

I mean, come on. Don't tell me none of you ever wished that you were 16 and out at the movies, or 18 and out of your home, 21, when you are finally free and 30 when no one can tell you what to do. Hell yeah. You know you're guilty.

Same here. Guilty as charged. I'd always wanted to be grown up so no one could tell me what to do. Here comes the hard part. Now that I AM grown up, yes, 19 is grown up enough to use the term grown up, I kinda miss people telling me what to do.

When I was younger :

Brother : Sha, don't go into the kitchen! Bhabhi is cooking.

Now :

Brother : Sha, can I have an omelette??

Haha. Talk about being spoilt brat. BUt yes, that is one thing I miss though. Being a spoilt brat.

To the point.

Back then :

Brother : Make sure you're home by 9. And I want to see that guy you're going out with. HAve you finished your homework yet?

Now :

Brother : Have fun. Take the keys when you go out.

Hello! What happened to all the protective part. I know there's nothing to actually protect me from, but hello...insensitive much.

So yes. While everyone has been telling us that growing up is the easy part, a slight correction. It's not.

We fall hard through the years.

We fall when we have had our first crush, and when we find out he doesn't date younger girls, we fall even harder.

We fall when we first fall in love, and for some unlucky ones, we get our heart broken.

We fall when we've had our first fight with our best friend.

We fall when we leave home the first time, to stay somewhere so far away, even 911 reaches you faster than your family. *sucks*

We fall....GAH!! You get the point la.

Okay...I'm done with the Emo shit. Now i'm going to obsess about my Twilight!!

Malaysia's got Talent!!

2010-03-19T20:53:00.003+08:00

I stumbled across this by accident, and this is definitely worth watching, and listening. Beautiful lyrics, wonderful tune. I'm speechless. And guys, this is 100 percent Malaysian!

Woots!

Unwritten

2010-03-19T18:42:00.000+08:00

Lolz.

Today was..interesting.

Nothing in particular actually, just that I was wondering, (this is something I do very often you see ), about how the world works.

Naw, I'm not going to launch into some MArs Mission.

Unwritten laws.

There's something to think about.

Especially when you're around people. There's just so many things that you should or should not do, sometimes its just hard to distinguish if its really ethics.

Like, for instance, when you go to a funeral, they say, don't tell us when you're leaving.

I mean, how're you supposed to know? Unless someone tells you of course. Otherwise, how would you BLOODY know?

Everyday life, and there's so many unwritten laws. All around you. So much to take in, to indulge in that you know youve finally lost your grip on reality.

DAem.

You know you're drunk when you start blabbering about these kinda stuff.

You also know you're drunk when you wake up next to your dog, and forget his name.

I'm sowie Baby Husky :(